It’s A…Bodysuit?

Posted on April 2, 2012

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News | Frank Vitale

This school year has seen an interesting — if not slightly alarming — trend emerge, specifically regarding our female teachers.  Yes, it seems that more and more teachers are getting pregnant during the course of the school year.  On the surface, this does not seem to be anything to be concerned about.  However, an anonymous tip led The Chronicle to do some digging.
What was found was astonishing.  This year alone, 15% of female teachers have become pregnant.  Of that 15%, 50% have ended or are expected to end their school year early on maternity leave.  Suspecting a conspiracy, a group of male faculty members began an undercover investigation of the reports.
The investigative team tracked the expecting mothers using cameras found throughout the hallways at Springfield, hoping to find evidence of any misdeeds.  “It was rather simple,” explained an unnamed security guard.  “The cameras hadn’t been turned on since 2005 anyways, so we thought that we might as well use them!”
What was uncovered was astonishing.  Using plastic full-body suits with expandable water bladders, these teachers have been feigning pregnancy for up to nine months at a time.  The cameras showed teachers actually removing the suits and placing them in their closets before they left the building, and then putting the suits back on just before homeroom.  When confronted with video evidence, one of the “mothers-to-be” confessed to her crimes.
“It was easy for the first few months,” exclaimed the teacher, who has asked to remain anonymous.  “I would just run to the bathroom quickly before A block started, pretending to be nauseous.  Then, after a few weeks, I dropped the hint to one of my classes that I might be expecting.  After that, I just had to fill the suit with water every day, making sure to add a bit more than the day before.”
Understandably, male faculty members are outraged.  “We understand why they would want the time off,” explained one.  “It’s not that I blame them.  It just isn’t fair.  I couldn’t come in one day and say that I’m pregnant, so why should they be able to?”
The investigative team has stated that a plan for revenge is in the works.  However, no details were disclosed.

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Posted in: April 1st, News